I will give you a fair warning- this might not be a good blog post to read if you don't want to tear up because I imagine this post will be emotional for me to write. Last night I attended Breakaway. What's Breakaway you ask? Breakaway is a ministry that holds a weekly sermon and worship on Texas A&M's campus. If you ever have the chance to go I would highly recommend it! Last night sermon really impacted me last night and I'd like to share my thoughts. The talk was about finding refuge. Or what things we tend to make our refuge. For girls who don't have a strong father in their life, their refuge might be in other men who can give them instant yet non lasting satisfaction. Or we can find refuge in our beauty and other temporary pleasures that can't promise eternal satisfaction. There are even things we can find refuge in, that even though these things are not sinful, that still can't promise you eternal security and satisfaction for your soul.
I realized last night, while listening to this sermon, that my refuge for almost my entire life was my mom. I was so incredibly dependent on her.If I had a problem in my life I ran to my mom, even to this day when something crappy happens I always catch myself thinking, "I wish I could call my mom right now." I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Mothers are excellent, they have advice and knowledge and never ending love for you as her child! A thing I've had to realize though is that while my mom could promise me a safe life and satisfaction while she was here, she could not promise me (Like every other mortal on this planet) that she would never die. No one can do that. Except God, our heavenly father. If you want something to read, go read Psalm 116. The Lord tells us, no scratch that he PROMISES us that even when we don't feel secure, we are. When we don't feel joy in our souls there is a promise of eternal happiness when we are called to his kingdom. That is the most fantastic news I could ever hope to hear.
God is good.
Memory #23
When I start to dwell on memories on my mom I sometimes find really weird but awesome...occurrences (For lack of a better word). A couple posts back I talked about my acceptance to Texas A&M and how it was almost like my mom had prepared me for a moment in which she knew she wouldn't be there. Almost as if we were characters in a book and if the reader was looking close enough she would see obvious signs of foreshadowing to come. Does that make sense? I really hope it does because that's the best I can describe these cool little moments I endure sometimes. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time there used to be this song that she absolutely adored. The only reason I know it today was because of her. It was her song. Her anthem. Her theme music for when she battled cancer. I think you should listen to it before I continue.
Every time, without fail, her mood was instantly lifted by this song when she hadn't heard it in awhile she would get upset at the station for not playing her song. While I liked it, it didn't have the same effect on me when I heard it. My mom told me she felt like it was a message from God and it gave her hope. After my mom passed away, I heard this song on the radio. You think I would've been upset. Here was the song that my mom thought was a message from God and now she wasn't here. She wasn't here to tell of her strength and how she had prevailed over cancer once again, she was gone. But I didn't change the station, I sat and I listened. Maybe God did send this to my mom, but maybe he sent it to her so that I could hear it. So that I could be comforted. To find refuge from the internal storm I was facing in him. When I need comforting this is the song I go to. Death does not have the last word. My mom did rise out of the ashes and straight into Gods arms where I know she found eternal satisfaction and refuge from the pain and sorrows of this world. And one day I will be reunited with not only her but with my heavenly father and that is again something truly to rejoice in.
Love Always,
Erin
Someone once asked me what I wanted to teach my daughters. Without thinking I said, "Independence." Because my own mother had died at such an early age, I had it hardwired into my brain that I probably wouldn't live to see my daughters become adults. (Silly me.) But there is only one true source of "independence" and that as you have just eloquently stated is to look to our heavenly Father for wisdom, discernment of good and evil, and courage for daily living. Even though at the age of 15, I lost both mother and father, I found the refuge I needed in God's Holy Word. In John 14:18, Jesus has promised, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you....and he promised that once he returned to heaven, the Father would send the Helper, the Holy Spirit," and he abides with us forever....He is our refuge! Blessings, dearheart.
ReplyDeleteLove you, nana! (:
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